i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
