There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
