I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
