I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
