I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
