I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
