We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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