Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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