i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
no. you can't hotbox the world.
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we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
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All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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