my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
