so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Let's get the cat blown out
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
