Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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