My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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