she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
