took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
