apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Randomize
