Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
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Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
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this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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