Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
