Don't you send me to vm
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
