If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
