Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
