The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
