I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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