guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
