This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
