do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I want to be your penis for a week.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
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