My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
