We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
