May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
