If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize