I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Every concussion has its silver lining
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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