Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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