Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
True strength comes from lack of pants
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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