I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
