Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
