Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
