me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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