i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
