my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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