I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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