oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
