My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
