I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
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