I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
