You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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