I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
