At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
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