So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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