you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
