I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
