Kiss
Puke
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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