shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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