My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
