I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
no. you can't hotbox the world.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
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