pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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