My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Michael Bay diarrhea
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
