i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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