Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize
