the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
