you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
